Shock

Never fails, I start working on a tax return and suddenly remember EXTREMELY important things I need/want to do. I have realized that I will most definitely forget those oh-so important items. Enter the post-it pad. I have come home with as many as six at a time. Today I came home with one - this one.

I am currently working 65 hours a week and too busy to take any kind of real break, so yes, today I put my emotions on a to do list.  (This may be a first.) I had gotten on facebook for a quick break from the numbers and saw something that shocked me. 

~
Not the normal, surprise, "oh, never thought that would happen," "hmm, never thought she'd do that". This shock is a combination of "they're doing WHAT?" and "oh DANG...I care... A LOT". This shock literally catches my breath and causes a hard pause. What do I mean, well here's an example from a year ago. 

~

My younger sister (by 5 years) got married. Making me the only single one of seven siblings. Do I feel lonely at times? Yep. Do I want to be married? Of course. Was I upset, frustrated, mad, or a little jealous - nope, not even a little. I was completely happy for her, he seemed like a good match and they were happy. Flash forward a couple months, my younger brother calls and tells me he and his wife are expecting. SHOCK! Breathe, "oh, uh, I thought you guys were waiting till you were done with school?" As he talks, the tri-fecta continues...a quick flash of silent anger/indignation/frustration and then tears. 

~

The amount of tears varies and usually surprise me even more, "really, I'm this upset, what the heck is wrong with me?" These moments frustrate me because whatever has happened is usually a logical thing. In this case, they were married, Matthew wants a lot of kids and they're Mormon - having a kid, not really a surprising event. AND in the moment, I know tomorrow I'll be just fine and I tell myself this. YET... I can't stop the flood.

~

So what's a girl to do - Call Erica, my pick-me up, my BFF, my cheerleader, my free therapist. She always tells me, "you is smart, you is kind, you is important." Oh wait, that's what Aibileen tells Mae Mobley. Well essentially that's what Erica says, just not in Southern. She also includes some variation of  "you is beautiful." Today the exact term was "gorgeous." (I love that word, esp. in reference to me.) No matter the words she uses, I always hang up feeling smart, kind, important and beautiful. Freak out over. 

~

So despite being at work almost all day, ick! and have a mini freak-out, ugh! Today I can check off my to do list. That's a good day.